Motherhood. For the past 2 weeks I have just been mentally drained. If you're a parent of multiple children I'm sure you can relate, but it always feels like a "this is only happening to me" moment/week/month. We go through phases in our house, I feel like I am constantly yelling, talking, lecturing 1 daughter for a period of time, while the other 2 are "good" and then we switch. Up until 2 weeks ago, my 5 soon to be 6 year old has been the one I feel like I was constantly nagging or constantly redirecting. Then spring break hit and the switch happened, we went from soon to be 6 year old to 9 year old being the focal. I don't know how to word it, instantly I think "problem child at the moment"...that simply isn't the right way to say it...but if you're in my current situation you understand what I mean. Not that she is a problem, just she is taking more of your time and energy at the moment.
The time and energy, meaning I feel like I am constantly lecturing/redirecting, but I have to tell myself these are learning moments/teachable moments, but dang it feels so exhausting. I have gotten to a point where I just look at her and say "I am tired of feeling like the bad or mean mom, I am tired of arguing, tired of lectures, I just want to get along, understand each other and have fun" ... Can you relate? Is it just me?
I often tell myself in the silence of the car ride home from school drop off, or at night when they have gone to bed that if it was EASY I wouldn't be parenting. If it was easy or I didn't care about the attitude, the sass, the behaviors then I wouldn't be teaching them how to be a good human. The ultimate goal, the overwhelming challenge is to make sure as their mom that I am doing everything I can to prepare them for the world, to be a kind person, to be respectful and just work through their emotions/feelings. It doesn't seem like a hard task right? GOSH IT IS EXHAUSTING! I often say "she's my mini, our personalities/attitudes are so alike we butt heads" ... but all I can think is that I HAVE TO CHANGE my ways, because she is learning what I do. It's a vicious cycle, but at the end of the day I don't want to fail as a mom.
Fear sinks in. I don't want her to hate me for being hard on her. I don't want her to be a rude human. I don't want her to be a bully. I don't want her to resent me. Finding the balance of a helicopter parent and a careless parent is the goal, why does it have to be so hard to find that balance? Expectations...positive but yet I find them sometimes turning into negatives. I know how sweet she is...I know how kind she is...I know she "knows better"...but because of that I turn it into a you should know better situation...I don't ever want to set her up to feel like a failure. I don't ever want to set these standards of "perfection" because lord knows NO ONE will ever be perfect. As much as I find it to be a challenge for me, I have to remember that it is just as much of a challenge for her as well. Growing is a season for everyone, not just the parent.
Pre-teen...9 seems so young. But is it? Is this her body starting to change? I believe in life lessons, I believe in learning from experiences, I believe in "do-overs"... I almost feel like I need to get better at picking my battles, not getting hung up on every eye roll or attitude, but how do you determine what is enough and what is too much? It's exhausting. A wise woman once told me, if you're exhausted that means you are doing a good job parenting. I try so hard to hold that in the back of mind and remember, a good parent isn't a perfect parent, it is a parent that does all they can everyday. The struggle is real. The journey is hard. But hard is what makes it great.
For any of you reading this and can relate, I feel for you right now. This chapter is hard. I hope that you find this and it gives you hope, or a sense of reassurance knowing it isn't just you. You are not the only mama going through this season right now. You're not the only mama exhausted. You're not the only mama feeling like a mean mom right now. I can't say that it makes me feel better knowing this, but it gives me a sense of hope!
Do you ever find that "venting" ...whether talking to someone, journaling, whatever your outlet may look like, gives you a sense of hope, clarity & overall wellbeing. As I sit here typing, sharing with everyone who reads the blog, maybe no one, I feel better. I feel like I have a new outlook on the situation. Parenting is hard. But I remember growing up through elementary, middle school, high school was hard as a kid too. I need to remember this season isn't just hard for me, but could be so hard for her too. I sit her typing with tears rolling down my face because this chapter/season is SO DAMN HARD! The fear of making one mistake, that one thing you ignored, that one moment you didn't make a teachable moment, that one moment you overreacted and it wasn't that big of a deal. All I know is I can only do my best...my best may not be someone else's best...but at the end of the day all I can 100% know is that these girls of mine are extremely loved and that I am trying my hardest to be the best mom for them. I also think one of the hardest things is accepting that they are growing up, trying to figure out who they are, what the world means, and I have to allow them some freedom to do so, but still give them guidance and the tools to grow. That balancing act!
Thanks for joining me in this sappy...long winded rant. I hope that my "hard" can help you in some way or another if you are going through something similar. Parenting isn't easy. Anyone who tells you it is...probably isn't parenting!
A resource I found that really helped me gain some clarity! Wanted to share with anyone who needs it!
That's all for now...
XO - KK
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